Thursday, March 09, 2006

Another Sparky Tale

When Sparky and I first settled into our relationship things had a tendency to be very interesting. It was the mid 90s and I was a huge fan of the floral dresses with the keds. I've always had nice legs (short, but then I'm only 5'2", but shapely) and I was young, so I wore them a little short, with the safety shorts underneath usually. One gust of wind and the hem of your dress could be swirling up around your head, so they seemed sort of necessary.

Sparky worked for a bank and they sponsored local events. There were Phillies games and nights at the circus that were sponsored by his employer and we would get tickets and go. He learned quickly that you do not want to invite me to the circus. I am really very anti-circus. They treat the animals horribly and keep them in those little cages as they travel non-stop around the country. They have no respect for women, which is critical. Also, what kind of life is that for children? I went once to placate him, but my attitude was pretty bad and he learned a valuable lesson.

We did go to a couple of Phillies' games. At the first one, it was just show off the new girl night. I had on my 90s girl little floral dress and white sneakers. One of the more colorful banking characters pulled Sparky aside after being introduced to me and told him, "She's just tits in sneakers." Lovely.

There were plenty of Sparky's friends who were very enjoyable company, though. I could always expect lots of fun and laughs when we hung out with Lady Di, her brother "R" and Sparky's bestest female friend from work, "D."

One night we met at Chickie and Pete's in Northeast Philly for an unforgettable evening. There was way too much alcohol consumed, particularly by Sparky and Lady Di. It was a Friday night and the place was packed. At one point, Lady Di is headed down the spiral staircase and yells to us at the bar, "Look, Swan Lake!" and proceeds to practically topple down the staircase.

Sparky and Lady Di continued to pound shots of Goldschlager and beers, growing increasingly more raucous. There is a porthole looking toward the entrance and Sparky decided he had to pee and preferred to do it al fresco. He goes out only to be followed by Lady Di, who doesn't actually know what he's planning, but doesn't want to miss out on any of the action. They come back in laughing and start to dance. We hear Sparky say that he is going to dip her. D and R grab my shoulders and spin me around so that the three of us are facing the bar. Someone says, "you really don't want to see this." Then... we hear the thud. We turn around, half gasping half laughing hysterically as the completely inebriated Sparky is trying to haul up the equally smashed Lady Di up from the floor.

Finally, it's last call and we head for the door. You would think that all of the fun would be over, but for me, it was just beginning. I get him out to the car and stuff him in for the drive back to his place. We drive home with him being a little overly affectionate for a 2:30 am drive. I park on his street and we get out of the car. His house is a little trinity in a courtyard. To get to his front door, you have to get through a locked wrought iron gate. I walk to the gate and wait for him to come with his keys, but he's not coming. I turn to find him peeing all over the street. Finally, he comes with his keys, stabbing pathetically for the lock, which is tricky to work even when you're completely sober. I take his keys and open the gate for us, leaving him to come in and lock the gate behind him. At his front door, I turn and look to see if he's coming and he's put himself in the corner like Dennis the Menace with his head down. I go and lead him to the house.

I'm really hoping that he will go quietly to bed and pass out now, but I've never been that lucky. As we get into the house he starts to take off his denim jacket, and he's got his arms trussed up over his head as he tries to wriggle out of it. Finally, after a great struggle he manages to get himself free of the jacket which is now inside out and strewn across the room. We head up the stairs and get in bed.

He tells me that he loves me. I know that you can't have a discussion with someone this drunk and it's not worth it to share any feelings with him when he's like this, so I just say "mmm hmm". This is not the answer he's looking for.

"I love you so much that I am going to punch holes in all the walls."

"You really don't have to do that for me, but thanks for the sentiment, Spark."

"You don't love me. I will. I will punch holes in all the walls just to show you how much I love you."

"You're trashed. Lay down and go to sleep."

"You don't love me." He storms off to the bathroom and it sounds like he went just in time. I am not going to be the one who has to scrub all the little gold flakes off of the toilet bowl in the morning.

He comes back into the bedroom, pretty much empty and with his teeth brushed. Actually, he crawls back into the room and climbs in bed. He smells like mint and cinnamon and he's just a mess.

"You don't love me. I'm just a drunk."

"Just go to sleep. You can worry about being a drunk in the morning."

"You know the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk? Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk."

"You must be so proud. Just go to sleep."

"I think I'm dying."

"You're not dying, you're just drunk."

" You should know my doctor's name is De..... De.... De Medici, or De something. He's at Jefferson. I only want to go to Jeff."

"I promise I will only take you to Jeff."

"I'm dying and you don't care." (As I share more with you about Sparky, you'll get to realize that he is a total hypochondriac.)

Then, he grabs the phone and picks up the receiver. I jump across the bed and push my finger down on the plunger so he can't drunk dial. He starts pressing the buttons.

" 9.....1.....1..... Help me! Help me! My call won't go through!"

In the morning, I was exhausted, but Sparky was out of bed before 8:00 and headed off to play tennis with a friend.

(Wondering about the Pop Up Pirate pic? Well, the pirate in that game looks just like the little cartoon character that I drew of Sparky as a pirate. Actually, I even carved my "pirate Sparky" into a pumpkin for him one year)


sassymonkey said...

Don't you just *hate* it when they can get up right as rain the next morning after keeping you awake all night?

I'm with ya on the circus thing. On top of the animals there are CLOWNS! *shudder*

JoanneMarie Faust said...

It's just not fair. I was sober and felt more hungover than he did.

Ewww! Clowns. Yup, they are creepy.

sassymonkey said...

I once got onto a subway car at rush hour and as soon as the doors closed realized there was a clown in my car. With a trunk no less.

I switched cars at the next station.