Friday, May 12, 2006
That Which Doesn't Kill Us...
That final breakup with C was devastating, especially after all that he had been to me and all that we had been through. I never saw him again. It was another phone break up and there was no exchange of stuff. Whatever he had of mine probably went straight to the trash. Just the idea of having to face him, collect my stuff, say a final goodbye and then have to drive for an hour and a half blinded by tears was beyond horrible. I packed away the cards, letters, pictures, gifts and memorabilia. I couldn't toss 5 years of my life, but I couldn't face it either.
It just took a while to get to the point where I could look back and sigh with romantic nostalgia over all that stuff. I was destroyed by that break up. It was my first real heart break. Just writing that I feel a melodramatic "Woe is me" with the back of my hand up to my forehead, and I smile. Since then I've been on both sides of heartbreak.
I've loved and lost and lived to tell the tale. I don't know if the girl I was would even recognize the woman I became. It strikes me as funny the way people talk about getting through this stuff. I've heard and understand, "The only way out, is through." It's my way. People ask if you are going to be okay, like it's optional. It's not. I can't conceive any other outcome. However, they also say, "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." In my experience, the time between when it didn't killy you and when you get stronger includes that awful period when your kind of bitter and no fun to be around.
I don't regret the relationship or the heartache. C was responsible for a lot of firsts in my life. I've grown up and lived my own life and for that I am proud and grateful. I'll never know if I missed out on things had I or we gone a different direction and that's okay. I know all that I've had and done and learned have made me who I am today. And, I kind of like her.